Trust

I started on my spiritual journey in my late teens. I came from a family of Chreasters (non-practicing Catholics who attended church on Christmas and Easter) and we never talked about God. I occasionally thought about the possibility of God and in my 8-year-old mind saw a giant head of a really old man who didn't want me to curse or hate. I imagined Heaven a place where you got all the ice cream and m & m's you could ever want, all served at a really fancy table with fine linens. (Note: I no longer care about m & m's, so don't try to ever bribe me with them - it won't work.) After years of languishing in agnosticism, I found myself drawn to the question of God. Suddenly there were people in my life who believed and I wanted what they had and to be like them. Almost undetected to myself, I crossed the line into faith. The first few years were full of growth and discovery and joy. And then life happened and I stalled in some of those areas, lost some of the hunger, and occasionally slipped into mild apathy - but never to the degree that I wanted to step off the path. I wanted so badly to desire a deeper connection and to make it out of the desert, but trials and disappointments came at me and robbed my focus. It wasn't until last year in a midnight battle with God that the truth came out. I screamed at Him, "I don't trust you!" You wouldn't believe the grace I received from spewing that statement. And the move towards something deeper was set in motion. I've wrestled all year with grasping on to my life and now He has me where He wants me. I am trying to stop making sense of things, put my hope where it belongs and take each day as it comes. What I do know is that I want to love more and better. As for today, this moment, I have peace. And for that I am more grateful than I can say...

I remember a moment of extraordinary contentment and peace one day when I visited the Isle of Skye in Scotland with my friends Jane and Josh in 1997. Here's what I wrote to describe it:

The Isle of Skye

A rally of three
Allied beneath the daystar, skimming the crystalline Skye
Soft, spongy grass yields to our weight
Like a thick, warm loaf submitting to the test of touch.

We watch wordless,
On the edge of earth and time,
The mercurial waters dancing in the light.
God's philanthropy rekindles a long-extinguished flame
And mollifies life's blows,
Tidying my untidy thoughts.

I toss you a plucky glance, a girlish invitation,
And float along the bluff, gulps of air
Feeding my unbridled joie de vivre.
Liberated from our prescribed cocoons
There is no yesterday, no tomorrow -
Only this, our moment:
Symmetrical and strong.

I am courted by the halcyon;
Head thrust back and face turned up,
Powder kisses on my nose.

I leave you with this video I totally stole from my friend Lori's blog (check her out at ourownrooney.blogspot.com - she's a fantastic writer.) Sorry for my thievery, Lori, but this made me so happy, that I feel I absolutely must share it. I give you full credit. Watch the whole thing, people: