2011

I'm sitting here with a bowl of leftover homemade Santa Fe Chicken Chili and a hot pumpkin corn muffin, all cozy in my lair while the rain falls lightly outside and the wind tickles the trees. I am glad to be inside. Warm.

I set aside yesterday for quiet reflection. A time to think thoughts about the new year, about adventures I hope to have, challenges I'd like to tackle. But I felt a little funky and settled for lying on the couch and watching movies. The closest I got to reflection was the 15 minutes I spent in bed looking up at the ceiling. "Okay, God. Instead of me telling you what I want this year, why don't you tell me what you want. Whaddaya got? Go ahead. Just bring it to my mind and we'll go from there."

I'm still waiting for answers, but that's okay. We're always waiting for something. J. and I talked on New Year's Eve, about turning fear into faith. Despair into hope. No easy feat. But that's the constant battle, isn't it?

One thing I'm grateful for is the working through of things. The changing of my heart. Which has been in knots the past few years, dealing with the reality of my waning child bearing window of opportunity. I'm actually starting to think "Well, if I don't have kids, maybe that's okay. I like to travel. I like my alone time. I like my uncluttered house." A dear friend just told me that if she had things to do over, she wouldn't have had kids. Not that she doesn't love her children - she just realized that having children isn't her natural bent. Maybe that's me, too. I don't know. All I know is that it's getting a little easier bear.

The truth is, I could have been married several times over by now if I really just wanted to have kids. I've had many opportunities. I dated a lovely man this past year who did everything right. But there was no spark for me. The thing that makes you want to do the hard work of being in a relationship. And so I let him go a week before Christmas, and with that, another opportunity vanished. I just can't do it. Stay with someone because they can fulfill my needs. I'm not good at pretending that I feel something when I don't and a man who works that hard deserves someone who feels warm inside when he calls and can't wait to be with him again.

Every so often I worry about me - am I protecting myself? Am I secretly afraid of being in a relationship? I'll admit that intimacy was a little scary when I first hit the dating scene, but I jumped headlong into a romance at 19 and never questioned it, never looked back, never put up a wall or tried to sabotage it. And it's not like I haven't thrown myself into other relationships in my life. I have. So I'm not going to worry about it.

Now 40 is looming. I've been saying that for the last five years, I know. But now it's actually true. Four weeks from today I'll be 40. And I want to embrace it like I embraced my 30's. Which were pretty stellar, for the most part, save the last few years. I think the last time I felt on top of the world was 2007. Ahhhh, 2007. That was a good year. 2010.....well, 2010 made me swear a lot, the ol' bastard. But 2011 - welcome. I love you already. Whatever you have in store for me....

So far, so good. Had a lovely New Year's Rockin' Eve with friends, got in tons of relaxation yesterday. And there was a woman holding a sloth on Hollywood Blvd. when I came out of church this morning. I'm not kidding. If that's not a sign of good and funny things to come, I don't know what is.

HAPPY 2011!