I was standing in line yesterday at everyone’s favorite food emporium, Trader Joe’s, when I heard “Staci?” It came from the woman in front of me, a woman I hadn’t seen for over eight years. We used to work together and I have to admit that she wasn’t someone I was naturally drawn to, which is odd because she really is a very sweet, kind woman. And although I was always fairly friendly, inside I was often agitated by any interaction with her. Her crime? Being too nice. There was something about the way that she spoke, in a little bit of a cutesy voice, that rubbed me the wrong way. It always came across as fake to me. And I wanted her to just stop and let go. Truth is, I essentially wanted to control her and have her behave in a way that I would be comfortable with. This is something that really bothers me about me. I hide stuff pretty well, but women tend to sense these things, so I would imagine she knew that she wasn't my favorite co-worker. I want to love people openly and genuinely, even if I don’t have a natural affinity for them. It’s so easy to love people who are lovable to you. How do I make myself love everyone else who doesn’t fall in that category? I guess it’s a form of loving them when you treat them well in spite of how you feel, but I want the feelings to change, you know? Especially when those feelings don’t seem to make sense. I guess I just want it to be easy.
This is a picture of my best friend Amy and I at age seven in our ballet recital. What am I looking at, you ask? I’m peering down the line of dancers to make sure everyone is doing it right (although, if I was looking to be the perfection monitor, all I needed do was take a look down at the front of my own tutu.) Apparently as a four-year-old I actually went down the line and told other girls when they were executing the step incorrectly. I guess there are things that we battle our whole lives. I’ve often wished I was a natural type B personality, an easy-going, live-and-let-live kind of gal. But I’m A all the way, baby. I know I’m less of a perfectionist than I was as a child, but it’s taken years to learn patience and grace. I tire of the parts of me that I think should be different. Intellectually I know that God is in control, but I wish that surrendering was less of a daily battle.
Anyway, seeing this woman again was like a gentle reminder not to get too comfortable in thinking that I've overcome every area of hardness in my heart. What natural inclinations do y'all struggle with?
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4 comments:
I love your bravery.
Staci, this is such a lovely post. I love what you wrote about the type-A four-year-old in a rumpled tutu. Your self-awareness is something to see, that coupled with your open heart. Good stuff.
when i was little i used to grade mine and my friends coloring book pages- and if i thought people weren't going to make it beautiful, or try at least to complete it, i'd get enraged at them ruining it... which of course echoed my inability to ruin white pages with my own artwork. i got over it but um, still...
I see ME in this story! There are just those certain people that have made me part of their world for whom I never felt anything in return. I have to admit that I've spent a chunk of my life feeling terrible about that, and trying to figure out how to be Christian about it. After all, in the Red Letter King James of my childhood Jesus told me to love other people as I would love myself. But---I just never could DO it--I always fell short--and I always saw those imposing RED LETTERS in my head. I chalked it up to being a sinner and spent time on my knees begging for forgiveness.
Well, I think God got tired of me wearing out the knees of my yoga-pants and so sent a great book to help me. A few months ago a book title began to appear referenced in other things I was reading and then I saw a pristine original edition for 25-cents at my local library book sale-The book is 'The Road Less Traveled' by M. Scott Peck. God knows I can't resist bargain...so I bought it, read it and highlighted the be-doodles out of it. Here's what I have learned:
M. Scott Peck reminds us in 'The Road Less Traveled' that we tend to use the word 'love' a little freely and could save a pile-o-angst by narrowing our definition to: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." He also asserts that since (being mortal) we have a finite amount of energy and time, this endeavor of loving folks requires that we actually LIMIT the number of people we intend to love. We simply cannot possibly love EVERYONE we come across in this way. We can seek to do no harm, we can help folks out when they cross our paths, but for most people the true act of loving is limited to the family unit--a handful of people.
In addition Peck states: 'Love is not a feeling. Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloving and destructive ways. On the other hand, a genuinely loving individual will often take loving and constructive action toward a person he or she consciously dislikes, actually feeling no love toward the person at the time and perhaps even finding the person repugnant in some way.'
As for the 'feeling' of love that we all keep seeking, Peck explains: ' The feeling of love is the emotion that accompanies the experience of cathecting. Cathecting, it will be remembered is the process by which an object becomes important to us. Once cathected, the object, commonly referred to as a 'love object', is invested with our energy as if it were a part of ourselves, and this relationship between us and the invested object is called cathexis.'
Eureka! I can stop wasting my energy on self-loathing by simply refining my definitions of things!
I am definitely OK with not cathecting every person on the planet. And I do see that it is not feasible to actively invest in every person's spiritual growth, since I am only one human being. I know now in my heart that all Jesus is asking me to do in regards to the population at large is to not consciously act in way that would limit or impede the spiritual growth of others. I can live with that as the goal. Yip.
PV
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