My brain is full. Really. I have a backlog of things I want to write about, but I'm stuck and haven't been able to formulate cohesive thoughts. Just bits and pieces. Things that have been on my mind:
I have four friends who have had babies in the last two weeks. And there seem to be pregnant women all about. Is it the recession? People can't afford to go out as much, so they're staying in and seeking out cheaper entertainment options? Right on. It's a bit of a baby boom. I keep checking in with myself to see how I feel about it and I've come to the conclusion that I really don't experience major jealousy issues with this. I'm truly happy for those around me and can celebrate with them without it weighing heavily on my heart because I am nearing the end of the possibility of ever bearing my own child. Yes - it hurts a little to see that slipping away. Yes - it's hard to entertain hope anymore. Yes - I write the name of what I would have named a son in the steam of my shower door each morning. But I'm doing okay. I think the much bigger fear for me is when I go to sleep at night and wonder if I'll always be climbing in bed alone. This thought I can't tolerate very well. It pricks my core. No likey.
I keep reading things that say you have to believe that God will grant you the desires of your heart for them to happen. How do I make myself believe it? I'm not guaranteed any of these things. He's not some cosmic Santa there to fulfill my whims. Are these authors saying that if I have a hard time believing some of the things I want will happen that they won't? I can't pretend, people. And it seems like it's the Christian version of The Secret. Just believe and it will be manifested. See it and it will be yours. I'm trying to focus more now on just wanting to know God more, in a more genuine and undeniable way. Not because I'm awesomely spiritual - because I confess that my natural priority is just to want the things I want, not God. That's too intangible for me. It's hard to make that the top thing I desire.
But I am exploring. Trying to make my faith more real and more desirable. More exciting. I just re-read a book by Muslim woman from Iran who told some incredible stories of how God worked in her life. Miraculous stories. The kind of miracles we think can't happen anymore. It got me thinking that I wanted to experience something like that. To that end, I sat in my closet a few weeks ago and asked God to show up. Strengthen my faith, will ya, Guy? Now, I am a natural-born skeptic. So I'm not inclined to make things up or easily believe that anything is a sign from God. Not unlike Doubting Thomas, who needed to see the holes in Jesus' palms to believe that he was indeed in the presence of the resurrected Christ. Seriously, the best option to get me fired up would be for God to simply walk into my closet and say "Hey, Staci. It's me. God."
That did not happen. But.....I closed my eyes and the dark seemed to get darker and very suddenly there was a bolt of light - a flat line of light that produced a sizzle, like a short burst of electricity. My heart started pounding and I said "Okay. I'm scared. That scared me. I'm totally scared right now. You're skeeving me out up in here!" And that was it. I hesitate to say these things for fear you'll think I'm a nut. But I think my skepticism gives me a pass here, right? You'll grant me more credence for my experience than if I were always sharing stuff like this? Why, thank you. Thank you very much.
Anyway, I do kind of believe God answered my prayer and showed up for me. And it makes me more curious and willing to go further in exploring who God is and what he truly wants for me. I am excited to see what I'll discover. And a little freaked out.
I have four friends who have had babies in the last two weeks. And there seem to be pregnant women all about. Is it the recession? People can't afford to go out as much, so they're staying in and seeking out cheaper entertainment options? Right on. It's a bit of a baby boom. I keep checking in with myself to see how I feel about it and I've come to the conclusion that I really don't experience major jealousy issues with this. I'm truly happy for those around me and can celebrate with them without it weighing heavily on my heart because I am nearing the end of the possibility of ever bearing my own child. Yes - it hurts a little to see that slipping away. Yes - it's hard to entertain hope anymore. Yes - I write the name of what I would have named a son in the steam of my shower door each morning. But I'm doing okay. I think the much bigger fear for me is when I go to sleep at night and wonder if I'll always be climbing in bed alone. This thought I can't tolerate very well. It pricks my core. No likey.
I keep reading things that say you have to believe that God will grant you the desires of your heart for them to happen. How do I make myself believe it? I'm not guaranteed any of these things. He's not some cosmic Santa there to fulfill my whims. Are these authors saying that if I have a hard time believing some of the things I want will happen that they won't? I can't pretend, people. And it seems like it's the Christian version of The Secret. Just believe and it will be manifested. See it and it will be yours. I'm trying to focus more now on just wanting to know God more, in a more genuine and undeniable way. Not because I'm awesomely spiritual - because I confess that my natural priority is just to want the things I want, not God. That's too intangible for me. It's hard to make that the top thing I desire.
But I am exploring. Trying to make my faith more real and more desirable. More exciting. I just re-read a book by Muslim woman from Iran who told some incredible stories of how God worked in her life. Miraculous stories. The kind of miracles we think can't happen anymore. It got me thinking that I wanted to experience something like that. To that end, I sat in my closet a few weeks ago and asked God to show up. Strengthen my faith, will ya, Guy? Now, I am a natural-born skeptic. So I'm not inclined to make things up or easily believe that anything is a sign from God. Not unlike Doubting Thomas, who needed to see the holes in Jesus' palms to believe that he was indeed in the presence of the resurrected Christ. Seriously, the best option to get me fired up would be for God to simply walk into my closet and say "Hey, Staci. It's me. God."
That did not happen. But.....I closed my eyes and the dark seemed to get darker and very suddenly there was a bolt of light - a flat line of light that produced a sizzle, like a short burst of electricity. My heart started pounding and I said "Okay. I'm scared. That scared me. I'm totally scared right now. You're skeeving me out up in here!" And that was it. I hesitate to say these things for fear you'll think I'm a nut. But I think my skepticism gives me a pass here, right? You'll grant me more credence for my experience than if I were always sharing stuff like this? Why, thank you. Thank you very much.
Anyway, I do kind of believe God answered my prayer and showed up for me. And it makes me more curious and willing to go further in exploring who God is and what he truly wants for me. I am excited to see what I'll discover. And a little freaked out.
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2 comments:
amen to that!
i. love. this.
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