Contemptible

I didn't think I would blog about this, but I don't think I can stop myself....and it brings up issues that I am trying to reconcile.

Last Wednesday was the last day in my office of the police officer who was assigned to one of our programs who was my least favorite co-worker. He knew for a month he was being sent back to patrol (for various reasons - disappearing for most of the day, dropping the ball constantly, etc., etc., etc. The list is long and two years in the making), but never told the kids. I asked him at his last staff meeting if he had prepared the children and he said no. "It's hard for me." For you? Hard for you? And therein lies the problem. He was forever putting himself ahead of the kids. I asked him if he would the tell the children at class that night so they had a chance to say goodbye. He said yes to my face....then did not go to class at all. A final f$#! you, if you will.

This didn't surprise me hugely. He would often lie to my face and then do whatever he wanted. But I wasn't prepared for the next morning when I was downloading a program to his computer and BAM! I stumbled upon all the porn he'd been downloading at work. My eyeballs nearly exploded when I realized that some of the pictures were of him in the midst of various acts. Seriously. I did not need to see those things, people. I really don't get paid enough.

I emailed his supervisor and gave him a heads up. He ignored it, which is typical. Never wants to deal with those sorts of things. I'm certain it will be brushed under the rug.

Here's where I struggle. How to separate my utter disapproval and disgust from viewing him as a man who has a host of emotional problems, a man who is hurting and lost. Instead of any compassion, I only feel judgment and contempt. I have a strong sense of what I think is right and wrong, just and unjust. It's easy to love the lovable, but how to love those who make me sick or outraged? I know there is darkness in my own heart. I have failed. I'm just more adept at controlling it. Only by the grace of God, I'm sure.

I have begrudgingly prayed for him out of obligation. I have told him honestly and kindly when he cheated or fell short. I have shared snacks and various treats with him and been civil. I have complimented him when he did his job.

But in my heart I feel no real care and compassion. I don't like him. I don't respect him. It's tough to tolerate him. I hate his lack of work ethic and his complete ignorance of his annoying traits and selfishness. I am not dialed into his pain. I just want him out of my sight lines.

Oswald Chambers tossed me a little life vest when he wrote this:

Criticism is a part of the ordinary faculty of man, but in the spiritual domain nothing is accomplished by criticism. The effect of criticism is a dividing up of the power of the one criticized; the Holy Ghost is the only one in the true position to criticize. He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding. Stop having a measuring rod for other people. There is always one fact more in every man's case about which we know nothing.

I don't think this means we shouldn't hold one another up to certain standards and tell one another the truth. But I think I'm going to need a heck of a lot of help to be able to love and care about the person who repulses me. Have mercy on me....